Saturday, February 25, 2012

sorry.


Linking with Eden here today. Did have another post planned with photos of where our new house is to be built and created. But EDEN, does this thing where you can't ignore the need to spill your inner-self. Best therapist I know.


Sorry that it looks lovely. But it wasn't.



Sorry.

Have a friend that used to say sorry for everything. 

But it was more like she felt, she had to be sorry she was ever born. Her childhood was brutal, not her home life. The other one. Where they send you for 6 hours a day. And I am not talking bullying here. I'm talking horrific abuse here.

She has worked through it, and is a walking beauty of amazement. 

Me though, who didn't have to endure the abuse, but was mixed in the swirl of fear and undercurrent of danger, has not quite worked through it. Older and more alertness is what saved me. Or did it? I mean my views are skewed, my psyche damaged, my child hood was not what it was supposed to be. Some may say it's your perspective. SORRY, but that is bullshit. There is too many of us affected to ignore it. It's so uncomfortable when people say  'oh wow you got to grow up and go to that picturesque school'. And I know every single child that grew up with me, at that time, will be thinking the same as me. NO.... SORRY, it was hell. But you just smile and say 'yeah, it's lovely' when inside you want to vomit all the putrid dirty memories of it!

Sorry, but every single one of us will be thinking the same, and I have not seen half the kids in 30 years. But I know.

There is a large part of primary school that I loved. The making the playing and the imaginary world, of play. But SORRY, the rest, can go to hell. It had no place in our childhood. 


Sorry.

Sorry I had no voice. Sorry I did not save you. Sorry that adults failed us. Sorry that I had to write this. Sorry that I like the truth, rather than not. Sorry we lost our childhood innocence. Sorry they took you over and over. Sorry I still cry over this. Sorry that those boys were ever born.

Sorry I have to watch my kids so protectively now. Sorry that I don't really trust other kids. Sorry that I always see the troubled kids. Sorry I can't save all the troubled kids.

Sorry that I had to write this blog post. Sorry that I have offended. Sorry this blog is not what it used to be.

I am sorry I could not protect you. Sorry I did not understand. Sorry for not fighting for you. Sorry for my other friend who was nearly beaten to death with Nasty words and threats. Sorry I did not stand up for her more. Sorry that they took part of our life and made it shit. Sorry for all my friends, we were just kids.

Sometimes my sorries are like sores  over my body. Exposed then healed. Sorry, but my children will never feel that fear. I won't let them. 

Sorry that there were so many close situations where it could of been me. Sorry I ran and escaped, to save myself. 

Sorry that Eden scares me, just a little. Cause this is what she fights for people to reveal.


Sorry to my friends that read this and think, 'why does Rex, not shut the Hell up'.

Sorry...I just can't.




11 comments:

  1. Don't ever shut up these words feelings and thoughts need air. I could say sorry too. But don't apologise for your sorries ! Brave words
    beck.

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  2. Rarely do I write on your blog as I believe that this is your inner sanctum of freedom as an individual ,but on occasion we need to recognize the ability you have to be truthful ,however that hurts . Sorry is possibly not the word you should use maybe thank you is more appropriate as you have exposed some terrible tragedies that have occurred and thus the healing process has begun. The person you are makes me believe in the good people of this earth and they outweigh the bad .
    Love Wayne

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  3. I hope you never shut up. Brave honest words. I'm hearing pain and regret. It's good to express them. x

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  4. The truth will set you free. And reading this makes me believe that all the more. Thank you for sharing xx

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  5. The bastards... I am hoping you have had/got a class action going or at least gone to the media. There are monsters out there and they have human faces. Go safely with your children through life and Never be Silent. xo

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  6. Rex. Big big deep chills, reading this. Bloody, bloody hell. Thank you for writing it, it must have been hard. I am so sorry it happened.

    It's important and sacred, to learn painful truths.

    You are beautiful.

    xx

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  7. Thankyou all for your lovely support. I am lucky to share my life with beautiful people and especially you Wayne. Endless understanding and love from you has brought me to revealing my angst. To set some of it free.

    This is only a little I shared here. And I am sorry to people who usually visit my blog That may have Not come here for this and that it has gotten so heavy.

    It's really just my art in my writting, expressing myself.

    Xo

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  8. Express Yourself! Absolutely. I've always thought its healthy to get things off your chest, otherwise they eat you up inside. Dammit it that awful things happen. And great that your blog heartens me in knowing the goodness out there and the caring.

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  9. So beautiful -- the honesty, your writing -- Wayne's response nearly made me burst into tears right here as I'm reading it during naptime...

    I agree with those above -- your blog is sustenance -- heartening that beauty exists in such a world -- and you are the proof -- inside and out.



    XO

    Pam

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  10. We need to hear these stories. There are children suffering through similar nightmares every day. Sometimes we meet them when they come to homeschool groups, their parents finally having had enough. They tell the most horrendous stories.

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